...I am happy! My shoulders roll back as my confident bosom extends a hello to the trees. I offer a brilliant smile to strangers. (I will sit with them later and gain wisdom). I want to wave but not yet, I just got here. I lower my head only to not make the world uncomfortable with my self- assurance. Will they turn their backs once they see I am happy and resilient and talented and secure and just comfortable with me? They have before. So I look down at the grown with a grinch-like grin on my face. It's unbelievable how I remain calm through this sea of people who wish to see my whole body lay where my eyes reside at the moment. I smile still because I love the ground! I love the earth. Not afraid of worms one bit! Could careless about the ants and would even pick up some pollution! Moreover, I like to lay on the ground and play in the snow! I love getting on the ground to greet my small family members and God-kids and those of strangers and yorkshire terriers called Max!
I lift my head up again when I think the world will accept me. Am I too early? Who cares! I lift until my eyes see only blue and my nose just about touches a cloud. It's one extreme or the other. I lift my big ol head in order to give balance to my walk! I never consider my garb because it doesn't matter to me. I never consider my accessories because they don't matter either. I've spent most of my time looking into the eyes of others and hardly noticed their "society says" uniforms. Im afraid I don't know what's in style. I think it's me! My right foot gets excited as it has yet to discuss it's motives with my brain. Im drowned in favor so I don't trip. Im scared to face myself but not for fear I don't like what I see but more for fear that I fall in love with me. No one can love me like I can. I could see it now: After getting the chance to see what others see, Im submerged in my love for myself so much that I only let the love flow. Nowhere do I train myself to let another get in to love me. SO I fear facing myself as I hope to just get a quick glimpse and never have to put myself through this again. One time. This time. For Myspace Facebook? VVers? Hell no. For you? yes. A little, but mostly for me. I am learning to push the envelope and to challenge myself for a chance to give me more credit. The chance to see about this beauty others speak of and I never stopped to notice. I don't want to do this slowly. What if I get scared when my shoulders point to my chest and I catch a glimpse of me in my peripheral and I hate it? I want to face me head on and be true to this experiment by seeing me how others do. Hmmm. This peripheral thing may not be such a bad idea. It's my chance to see how a sneaky admirer may notice me at first! I like that. Then, how should I do this? Do I use my right foot to lead me into a ballet- like pivot as I touch noses with me? Or do I do the slow turn thing I was talking about? Here I go again! The indecisive me. The Aquarian who doesn't want to make a wrong decision cause she only wants to move forward and may be too busy to go back fix this mistake by the time she finds out it's a mistake, Then the issue will pile up and people will say, "...you ARE an Aqaurian, you guys are pack rats and have.. just.... so much" They'll be right but they'll be wrong!
I choose to turn slowly. I take the scenic route. What's the point of knowing I will end up in the same place but not seeing anything in between? I want to be true to this experiment and to see every single part of me. I turn slowly. The experience is nothing to brag about. Yeah I notice my eyelashes, recognize the tip of my mothers, mother's nose and then-- the hair. It's big and thick and healthy. I look in amazment as it turns before my eyes into a Dominican style curly, bouncy clouds. Suddenly, the curls fall and a long long doobie appears. I GET IT! My hair is always changing! Whoa! Im here. Everyone made it seem like this grand, great experience. This huge, monumental event. It's just me! Im here. Took me no time. I stare and my reflection smiles. Way better than a mirror! We both cry. Not like a heavy, sobbing, can't take it anymore cry but we shed tears of happiness for each other. I guess IAM emotional. My maternal self wipes each others tears away and we gaze. Not wanting to make the other uncomfortable we decide to speak. But at the same time! We laugh. We laugh and we cry together. Feels good! Although a part of me is desperate for a camera, a way to document this experiment, I maintain. I am still and I take in the next few moments. My reflection is naked and stands before me with confidence. Well except the times she covers her bottom. I know her, she is me! She doesn't know how I'll react to her 11 stretch marks! I don't, so she releases that inhibition and stands there. All of her mannerisms and movements while she's naked make her seem so beautiful. She looks soft but untouchable.
She? I mean me. Am I sexy? The private me chooses to take in this experience and wait. I will wait to share it with the first person who asks and really cares. The first person who wants that part of me also. The first person willing to step outside on THEMselves to turn and face ME. The first time I have a desire to do that for another will I reveal this one secret "About Me" and who I truly am. At the "core", as he would say. My private passions burn at the core of my being and can lure another to the very heights of ecstasy. Virtue. Moral excellence, goodness and righteousness. I believe that I am a woman of virtue. (So many times you may feel that I give myself too much credit but this is the "About Me" section of MY page!) For everyone else: who am I? A private in public open book. Well not a book, but sometimes a virgin(al) sheet of paper. A sanctuary, transformed for restless hearts. I am here.... for you.
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