have so many things going through my head and so many emotions that I’M feeling. Not sure where to really begin. I want to be honest in my blogs but I also would like to maintain sanity by keeping SOME privacy AND because some things are so personal I may have a hard time making sense!!
MY BLOGS ARE FOR YOU TOO! US.
Have you ever had your heart broken? Do you know what that means? I guess first you’d have to know if you’ve ever been in love. I thought I had been. Twice actually. To be fair, I was sure head over heels sometimes. Still, I think I’ve just experienced love in a different way. In this way, I gave my complete self. I was true to me and it felt good. Great, when it was reciprocated. I feel for the most part, it was. It was different and I think we were both trying to get it, you know, catch on, find our path.. together. Uhhh, can you say tangent!! So yes- HEARTBREAK…
Here are some of the symptoms:
Loss of appetite/weight
Loss of interest in things that may otherwise interest you
Random display of emotions (especially sadness)
Random crying ( THE worst)
Everything and everyone is linked to SOME memory of your ex
Nothing or No one can take their place
Second guessing the break up
Here’s the biggest one of all….
MAYBE he’s thinking of me RIGHT NOW or MAYBE she hasn’t called cause she wants me to call first or MAYBE she’s actually done and has already moved on so she won’t come or MAYBE he’ll surprise me and show up…..
When you get to the MAYBE stage of your heartbreak, you’ve hit heartbreak bottom so I think there’ only going up from there! We are always wondering and guessing what our love is doing, thinking, feeling etc. I have been talking to a friend who is 2 weeks ahead of me in her heartbreak! I look to her for encouragement on where I’ll be in two weeks. Sometimes, it’s exciting and looks promising. Some days? Oh boy!! Talk about SCAR-Y! Some of you may or may not have known this but I am terribly hurt over a recent break up. I find myself talking to my friend using the word MAYBE way too many times and so does she. So I posed a question: Does allowing ourselves to guess create a chance for our imaginations to take over? What if they’ve moved on and could careless about all the pillow talk plans or beach side conversations regarding the future? What if for them, that was all in the moment stuff? What if they’ve decided to make work more important than love and we don’ t even cross their minds?
Well I say, WHAT IF this is all in OUR heads? How do we get to the bottom of this? She, just as stumped as I was, decided to end the call!!!
I have been reading EVERY book I can get my
hands on. Some, I finish and others I read bits and
pieces of. There’s a book I love called DON’T SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. Well , there’s a version of it for couples…. Yes, yes, I know I’m not in a relationship any more but don’t act like you wouldn’t be curious too! So there are different parts of it that caught my eye. A section called LIVING TOGETHER really helped me understand some of the mistakes we may have made and I also read different sections and realized, “heyyy, we were on the right track!!!” SO with that said, I forget the section name but there’s a part of the book that discusses “going first.” Oh noooo…. I felt like the questions I had posed to my friend earlier were about to be answered and that was even more scary than the reality that in two weeks I may still feel like there’s a little man jumping up and down in my chest each morning and his twin brother is practicing his latest boxing moves and he consistently gut punches me. Ouch!
I take a deep breath and I see a word that I knew was gonna be a part of this…HUMILITY. I read about making the first move with a genuine spirit and if the feelings aren’t mutual than release with the confidence that you did your best and your part. In humility is where you can let go of all the MAYBES. Ahhhh! I get it now! If I humble myself and call or text to say, I miss you, I love you still, I hope you’re thinking of me cause I’m thinking of you, Let’s talk etc then at lease I’ve said my truth!
I mean, I talk so much shit about how short life is. I’ve been to 2 funerals THIS year and our public figures are dying left and right. What ‘s happening in Japan is a scary thing and I hate that we can just sit around with our egos in place and wait. WTF? What does that mean? What are we waiting for? Why aren’t we willing to go first, Say our truth and possibly salvage our relationships? Communication leads to understanding and if nothing else completion; closure.
When you don’t talk, time passes, you tend to forget or block the memory. I recently saw Eternal Sunshine of the spotless mind and for me, right now, it was like watching Chuckie or SAW or some other scary flick! It’s scary that we could want to feel so much better that we would erase ALL the memories (good and bad) of our love… I’m not willing to do that. I want to remember. I want to continue and I want to win! As I make my way to super stardom, my visions become clearer. A house by the end of summer, a baby in two years, fruity drinks on pure white or jet black sand (before AND after the baby!)! It’s real for me; my destiny. I always said, “please don’t realize I’m great at the same time as the rest of the world… b/c then I won’t trust you, I’ll be too confused…. Love me now…”
If most of or none of the above applies to you then I’m not sure you’re suffering with heartbreak maybe just some heartaches and some pain!
The truth? With ALL that said, I still don’t want to initiate the conversation…. But I think I just did!
